There's been talk over this a couple o' times now so I though it was about time to open up a thread where the SBiG members can post their own reviews to all the great bad movies there are. So if you feel like contributing please feel free to post here.
If enough people post their stuff then probably a subsection (or something simular) will be opened so there's no more need to post them into one thread. But first lets wait and see what we get

- If you like to provide screenshots for already excisting reviews that havent got the 25/30 images in the 'Images' gallery. Please do. To make things easy you could use a program like imagegrabber to automaticly grab 30 random screenshots from beginning to end.

- To make a review request please use the following thread:[url]Request a review[/url]

i'll start with one of my favorite movies from this site



Deadly Prey
(5 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)










There were a lot of Rambo/Commando spin offs during the 80's, I've been told this is the best.
And by best i meant worst.
And by worst i mean awesome.
Math: Best of the Worst that is Awesome..... equals Pure Quality!

This action movie was so bad, it made me forget all about Rambo, The Dear Hunter, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, and Full metal jacket. If you want a mind blowing kick-ass war movie, Deadly Prey is the only way to go.


The movie starts and we see this group of renegade army persons chasing down this dirty Mexican. The Mexican'ts cloths are all torn, hes out of breath, and he seems to really not want to be found by the mercenaries.
Well... it ends up the guy can't evade tree stumps worth a shit and gets caught. The Mercs find him aaaaand....... shoot him. In the head. With a gun. Until hes dead.


Then the story starts to unravel.
We find out that an Old Military commander is hired to train the most lethal fighting force on the face of the earth, and apparently the best way to do that is by abducting random people off the street and chase them. He teaches this special elite squad of Mercenaries to hunt, track, and kill slightly overweight, middle age civilians you find in the American suburb.

... Until
They took the wrong guy!









4 titz ftw





Yeap, out of the millions of people they could have picked up, they end up grabbing a super buff male model that just happens to be the best fucking Commando killer there ever was!


Why is he wearing those skin tight cut off jean shorts?

CAUSE THATS WHAT HE SLEEPS IN!!!!


Random Rambo Civilian is ready for modeling action at any time, day or night.
This guy is always prepared. He's just like a boy scout, except he kills people, and looks damn sexy while hes doing it.





How did they manage to take prisoner such an obvious bad-ass?



We first see him waking up and walking to wash his hands.







Maybe its my warped eye, but the the gigantic bulge practically leaning over to take a swim in the sink kinda caught me off guard. Our hero seems very happy to see himself in the mirror. That, or its a ROIDS growth.




Between morning wood, dealing with that shit for brains wife hes got, and not expecting an ASP Baton to the head while giving directions..... they pretty much caught him off guard.




Once abducted, they quickly get rid of that retarded sweater blocking the sun from his glistening abs and boot him into the forest to be hunted.






Unlike the dirty Mexican before him, our hero has all he needs to kill a massive amount of people...... his bare hands and skintight shorts.
It doesn't take him long to work up a sweat making weapons and traps for his prey. With-in 5 minutes of releasing him, the starting platoon is dead.
Breaking people on trees, snapping necks, and throwing javalins pretty much wipes out the n00b force they sent out there.








This guy doesn't joke around when he kills people.
He'll scrunch up his nose in anger and make sure the guys shit a ton of bricks before they meet the sharp end of his knife.




that "killer" face he made every time always cracked me up.


















Like in most 80's movies, the bigger hair you got, the more powerful you are. So his arch nemesis is the only other character with a comparable amount of bounce in his hair.

I can't spoil the rest of the movie...... even though I want to.



But I can say this.
The non-stop awesomefest is pretty solid.
You'll enjoy this now that you know what to expect (Mind blowing ecstasy).

Freakin' awesome!

you deserve a medal

*drool*

i use to write one for every movie i watched, but it got to where i'd spend too much time on them.
i may start writing them again, but until then! i can post my old ones.

Kickboxer from Hell
(3 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)











Godfrey Ho......
OOooooohhhh..... Godfrey Ho
Why.....................
Just thinking of his name conjures up the most foulest bowel movements that can to curl your hair white and kill small children.

What this man does is shoot a short film, buy the rights to another film, and splice a few scenes together so that they "tie in with each other".
This of course never works, and every Godfrey Ho movie we watch never makes any sense.

What we have this time is only two movies crushed into one (Thank you God......frey. Cause sometimes it'll be three). Ones an old 70s japanese horror movie where such things as cats and wind apparently scare the shit out of these people, and the other is an early 90's martial arts movie about satan and his totally awesome sidekicks.


I'ma talk about these movies separately because as far as I'm concerned, they're separate movies.
Also I will give them a more meaningful title.




3Inchs to Hell!

This horror movie sucked so bad I went Limp for 3 days straight.

It was about 60-70 minutes long, so it took up most of the movie. The movie wasn't bad to the point where you could laugh at it, but it wasn't good to the point where you could enjoy it.

Basically the storyline is about this dickshit husband who is hell bent at cheating on every wife he has. Its not enough that his wifes are all smoking hot and want his 3inch peeder day and night, he has to go out and find more hot asians that can't resist boatloads of cash and his juggernaut of a weinner.
His old wife wanted his 3inch dick so bad he had to kill her. She ended up coming back from the dead, being pretty pissed off she started cock-blocking him from his new wife via "Haunting".
But the only reason he was banging his new wife is because his skanky hoe on the side died.



Apparently she was just so excited to ride his 3inch stallion that she accentually dove head first out the hotel window.




But thats enough about that piece of shit movie.
The only reason this movie didn't completely fail is the bad-ass kickboxing story Godfrey shoot in a couple of hours.
The two pathetic attempts at tying the two films together is a scene where the characters talk about satan and where hes at, and another one where satan burns a picture of the girl in the 70's movie to make her possessed (but the real reason she went crazy is over that 3inchs of hard throbbing masculine man-love poking her in the bedroom).
Why does he attempt to make one movie out of many every time?

$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$ $ $ $$$$ $$ $$$
$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $
$ $$ $$ $ $$$$ $$$ $ $ $$$
$ $ $ $ $ $ $ $$$$ $
$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$ $ $ $$$$ $ $ $









The other more shorter film is

Kick-ass Kickboxer


Why does this movie kick ass you say?








Thats why.



To announce when hes going to kick someone's ass, he'll make an extremely funny face at them just before beats them senseless.


The story starts off with our awesome hero getting ready for a kickboxing tournament that unlike the title of the main movie suggest, will not be hosted in hell.
But close enough, LA.





Then out of the bushes runs this screaming girl
.... and oh no!!! satan's minions are after her.





Why satan choose the rejects from the YMCA indian tryouts, we'll never know.
I just know its a good choice.
Why?
Because satan never makes bad decisions.







Little do they know, our hero just happens to be in an ass-kicking mood, and he quickly dispatches the demonic minions with the greatest of ease.


To make a long story short, our hero chooses pu-tang over the kick-boxing tournament and goes to destroy satan.

But first, not only does he have to fight the pack of wildly satanic indians, he must also face the coolest satan worshiper that ever lived.







If you have any other definition of cool, then your wrong.
Because satan is never wrong.

Unfortunately for that guy, hes not sporting a mullet.
Kicking his coolness down a notch.
Just enough for our hero to pummel that pretty face into the cement.



Then, the final showdown begins.



VS.


Who will win between the titans of destruction and mayhem?!




























i'll go ahead and tell you cause the movie sucks.










After a big long look what what satan's sporting under that demonic robe.



Our hero decides he must take immediate action.


He then grabs satan's package, thats dangling in front of his face, and suplexes the fuck out of it!!!!!













Satan then instantly disintegrates into a tub of whip cream.
With his defeat he is forced to be served on top of icecream bringing joy to the countless little boys and girls in the world he so much despised.








Alright, so i got a little carried away.
As awesome as the title to this movie was, thats all it had going for it.
the 10 minutes of fighting was good, but the epically boring rest was retarded and lame. My write-up probably had aaaabout 50% truth to it.

But multiply that by two, and you get 100% awesome.

Another fine example!

wow flyingsheepcannon your reviews are great, make this man the oficial reviwer of SBiG

i don't know if i'd go that far weasel
i'm extremely lazy atm, even though i do nothing all day

i'm really drunk, so i'ma repost

Smokin' Aces
(3.5 out of 5 Stars)










I heard so many mixed views on this movie I had to check it out.

Some said it was slow and boring.
Others said it was fast and awesome.

I'ma have to lean slightly toward the fast and awesome.


Anyone who bitched about the long introduction can cry themselves into a coma for all I care. If 15 minutes is too long then you're not ready for some of the shit I watch and should probably stop reading my words of wisdom.





Introducing the assassins is necessary, They all kick-ass.



I don't want to give too much away, so I'll tell you about my favorite.

These guys have a style I admire, that I can relate to.








I'd hella invite them to my dinner parties.
It'd be a blast!











The ending to this movie really let me down.
I'd like to think all the bad guys lived and all the good guys died of cancer very shortly after.

Everyone on the "FBI" was lame.

Raptor island
(4 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)














These super elite Navy seals trained in bad dialog, snappy one liners, and flailing your weapons around while firing to hope you hit something besides trees goes on this mission to pick up a smokin hot CIA agent captured by evil terrorists.
Little did they know that 40 years ago a plane full of toxic stuff crashed into the island making everything in it evolve into DINOSAURS! (But mainly Velociraptors)


Surprisingly, these raptors have a slightly lower IQ than the Navy Seals, but makes up for it in it's rather high amount of Hit Points. I predict the raptors had about 260 hit points, while the guns firing sporadicly into their general direction hit for about 40 damage. After the Velociraptor takes over 260 damage, it falls over and dies.

It doesn't take long for our "elite" navy seals to all drop off and die except the leader, CIA agent, and the main terrorist. Somehow they've got to make it off the island without being eaten, mauled, shot in the face by their own fire, AND before the volcano explodes killing everything. I'm sure that islands been there for about 4 million years.... and it wants to explode as soon as they start making a movie.

TimeCop 2
(3 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)









This movie doesn't bother much with time travel logic, if you want that, see Primer.
Instead this is ACTION baby yeah!



Jason Scott Lee is growing to be another one of my favorite actors. For reasons that would probably make him quit his job.




I mean how often do you come across an actor thats more surprised he's kicking a guy's ass than the guy himself.




(Jason was the one that got the jump on him)



aside from his awesome facial expressions, theres really nothing else to the movie.
If you don't think, it makes it better.

i'ma start doing more movie review
but i'ma be more selective than "every movie i watch"

From here on out, you can all look forward to my reviews of every craptastic cinematic shitfest I have actually taken the time to sit through... I won't even ask that anyone helps me restock my "Movie Watching Supplies".

Personally though, I will most likely just toss my reviews onto the threads for the actual movie links themselves, as it really just makes more sense that way. So... keep an eye out.

Also if anyone feels like doing a review it would be much appreciated. Just remember it gotta fit SBiG Please include some screenshots in the review and if possible 20-30 'random' screenshots for the imagegallery. Just have a look at the reviews Lux has done to get a taste of whats getting included

*bump*

c'mon people, don;t be shy. Post your reviews of bad movies.

the film just suck big man cock

the worst thing about the film was them shooting out the windows randomly hoping to hit a sniper in the next building.

this is another old one
i can't remember if i posted it somewhere else on this form

but here it goes


'


Rumpelstiltskin
(3.5 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)







Rumpelstiltskin
Rumpelstiltskin
Rumpelstiltskin

I would have just ended the movie right there.
But Noooooooo.........
they KNOW its Rumpelstiltskin, they know about the legend, but they can't figure out the "chant" to disarm him.





These people try everything from sprinkling magic dust on him to deep throating the poor bastard.





He's enjoying that a little too much.



I believe Rumpelstiltskin is just misunderstood.
He just wants to be a daddy is all!
People sell their babies away all the time, and they're the real monsters.



I mean Rumpy is hip and cool!
He'd make a great dad.
Rumpster may be old, but he stays with the times.
just check out all these amazing quotes via IMDB.

"Fuckith Me! Right in my cranium"












The woman thinks Rumpelstiltskin wants to steal her baby so she gives it to this freakish looking "friend" of hers to take care of it.

Me personally, I'd take my Holmes Rumpelforeskin over that colossal pants party killer of a friend she has.



Tell me who the real monster is?










What have I learned from this story?
You can't judge little disfigured trollish looking freaks of nature by their exterior.
Deep down inside they need love and delicious babies

are the pics i posted in the review not showing up?

the images now present in the image gallery are from another site so those need to be replaced. The images in the review itself are ok

oh ok, i gottcha

i know for awhile images would sometimes show up on my computer, but not others

Well I had a review of it on the old site so I have screenies ready. Just need to make clips