Kickboxer from Hell (1992)





IMDb Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0188751/
Director: Godfrey Ho
Release Date: (1992) (USA)
Genre: Action | "Horror"
Country: Japan | USA

Cast: Richard Edwards | Kieran Hanlon | Sooni Shroof

Plot Summary:
Here we have the story of Sean, a man who is busy minding his own business training in the middle of a forest with his brother one day in preparation for a kickboxing tournament when out of the blue, a hapless damsel in distress suddenly crashes out of the bushes and begs for help.



Author: flyingsheepcannon @ Thu Apr 08, 2010 5:21 pm

Rating:










Kickboxer from Hell
(3 out of 5 Pure Quality Stars)











Godfrey Ho......
OOooooohhhh..... Godfrey Ho
Why.....................
Just thinking of his name conjures up the most foulest bowel movements that can to curl your hair white and kill small children.

What this man does is shoot a short film, buy the rights to another film, and splice a few scenes together so that they "tie in with each other".
This of course never works, and every Godfrey Ho movie we watch never makes any sense.

What we have this time is only two movies crushed into one (Thank you God......frey. Cause sometimes it'll be three). Ones an old 70s japanese horror movie where such things as cats and wind apparently scare the shit out of these people, and the other is an early 90's martial arts movie about satan and his totally awesome sidekicks.


I'ma talk about these movies separately because as far as I'm concerned, they're separate movies.
Also I will give them a more meaningful title.




3Inchs to Hell!

This horror movie sucked so bad I went Limp for 3 days straight.

It was about 60-70 minutes long, so it took up most of the movie. The movie wasn't bad to the point where you could laugh at it, but it wasn't good to the point where you could enjoy it.

Basically the storyline is about this dickshit husband who is hell bent at cheating on every wife he has. Its not enough that his wifes are all smoking hot and want his 3inch peeder day and night, he has to go out and find more hot asians that can't resist boatloads of cash and his juggernaut of a weinner.
His old wife wanted his 3inch dick so bad he had to kill her. She ended up coming back from the dead, being pretty pissed off she started cock-blocking him from his new wife via "Haunting".
But the only reason he was banging his new wife is because his skanky hoe on the side died.



Apparently she was just so excited to ride his 3inch stallion that she accentually dove head first out the hotel window.




But thats enough about that piece of shit movie.
The only reason this movie didn't completely fail is the bad-ass kickboxing story Godfrey shoot in a couple of hours.
The two pathetic attempts at tying the two films together is a scene where the characters talk about satan and where hes at, and another one where satan burns a picture of the girl in the 70's movie to make her possessed (but the real reason she went crazy is over that 3inchs of hard throbbing masculine man-love poking her in the bedroom).
Why does he attempt to make one movie out of many every time?

$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$ $ $ $$$$ $$ $$$
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The other more shorter film is

Kick-ass Kickboxer


Why does this movie kick ass you say?








Thats why.



To announce when hes going to kick someone's ass, he'll make an extremely funny face at them just before beats them senseless.


The story starts off with our awesome hero getting ready for a kickboxing tournament that unlike the title of the main movie suggest, will not be hosted in hell.
But close enough, LA.





Then out of the bushes runs this screaming girl
.... and oh no!!! satan's minions are after her.





Why satan choose the rejects from the YMCA indian tryouts, we'll never know.
I just know its a good choice.
Why?
Because satan never makes bad decisions.







Little do they know, our hero just happens to be in an ass-kicking mood, and he quickly dispatches the demonic minions with the greatest of ease.


To make a long story short, our hero chooses pu-tang over the kick-boxing tournament and goes to destroy satan.

But first, not only does he have to fight the pack of wildly satanic indians, he must also face the coolest satan worshiper that ever lived.







If you have any other diffinition of cool, then your wrong.
Because satan is never wrong.

Unfortunately for that guy, hes not sporting a mullet.
Kicking his coolness down a notch.
Just enough for our hero to pummel that pretty face into the cement.



Then, the final showdown begins.



VS.


Who will win between the titans of destruction and mayhem?!




























i'll go ahead and tell you cause the movie sucks.










After a big long look what what satan's sporting under that demonic robe.



Our hero decides he must take immediate action.


He then grabs satan's package, thats dangling in front of his face, and suplexes the fuck out of it!!!!!














Satan then instantly disintegrates into a tub of whip cream.
With his defeat he is forced to be served on top of icecream bringing joy to the countless little boys and girls in the world he so much despised.








Alright, so i got a little carried away.
As awesome as the title to this movie was, thats all it had going for it.
the 10 minutes of fighting was good, but the epically boring rest was retarded and lame. My write-up probably had aaaabout 50% truth to it.

But multiply that by two, and you get 100% awesome.

A great 'Drinking beer and smoking weed while watching a movie' movie

marry me and CiCi, flyingsheepcannon...!!!

done

When's the party?!

as soon as you get here

if pure doesn't come to the party then the party must come to pure

Pure IS the party

pre-, main- and after-party!

I feel used and cheap, , me lika